Fics like Hands off!

“C'mon,” Lister feels a little bit tired of this, “don't act like you don't wank.” “I do not,” Rimmer preens, voice unpleasantly nasal. “Sex is meant to serve a reproductive function. Both buggery and onanism are a shameful waste of genetic material. Though yours does belongs in a wastebin rather than in a living human being.” Lister would take offense, but the unironic use of pejorative terms outdated by no less than three centuries makes him laugh instead. “It just feels nice, man. Dontcha wanna feel nice once in a while?” Rimmer just frowns at him, as if the sheer concept of pleasure is both incomprehensible and insulting to him. Arnold Judas Rimmer discovers the wonderful world of guided masturbation, no homo and all. It's great fun for everybody.

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