Fics like what legends are made of

On a routine mission to a normal-looking planet, Kirk and Spock discover a strange cave. Seven handprints were carved into the wall — each moulded to a member of the senior bridge crew of the Enterprise. In order to investigate this anomaly, the entire crew beam down to the planet, and falls into a nightmare. NOW COMPLETE Post-Mission Reviews attached under Enterprise Report 5-2261-7a: "Is this a mission report, or the script of your blockbuster-wannabe holovid show, Kirk?" - Admiral Bennett "Suggestions to update Starfleet Official Course Material on relevant subjects, Captain" - First Officer Spock "Definitely too old for this shit" - Chief Medical Officer McCoy "I'm never beaming down without a bottle of Scotch again, mark my words" - Chief Engineer Scott "It was fun up until it happened to me" - Helmsman Sulu "Vodka cake deserved by all" - Navigator Chekov "Captain, should I put in a footnote explaining the farm animal reference?" - Communications Officer Uhura "That's it, privilege for PMRs closed. Kirk Out." - Captain Kirk

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