Fics like What the hell, Peter?!

“Hey, ‘Pool, remember what you said when we first met?” “About how adorable you were in your Tobey Maguire movies?” “What? No, you never said that. Tobey Who?” “Ah, never mind, that was in the comics, I think it was Cable and Deadpool #24? Hmmm… Oh, wait, I remember, I was telling you about how you had the finest ass I’d ever—” “No," Spider-Man cuts in, firmly. “No, Deadpool, it was like, after all that. After we fought together for the first time, remember what you said?” He motions with his hands as though he was trying to prompt the right response. “Oh! That you were so cute and awesome, you could get a free hit on the house— oh.” His white lenses widen with realization, then squint in confusion. “Wait, Spider-Man wants to call in a hit on someone?” ——— As Parker luck would have it, it's awfully hard for Peter to die. He's tried everything he can think of: hanging, drowning, overdosing, gassing, cutting... He's been blessed with the powers of a spider and the immortality of a goddamn cockroach. In a final, desperate attempt to end his life, he asks Deadpool to put out a hit on a seemingly ordinary civilian: Peter Parker.

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