Fics like don't want to die (just don't want to live)

He couldn’t tell you why he did it. Maybe, if he has some time, he can delude himself into thinking that his mind, hazed with fever and exhaustion, simply didn’t recognize the poison. He can trick his memories into believing this was simply another assassination attempt, one he fell for on accident. But he’s a liar. Because he looked at that cup and touched it and immediately knew he would die if he drank it, but he takes it and downs it nonetheless, because pitch black is still an escape. He looks at the poison and sees a saviour, a last-ditch method to end the pain. Maybe he’ll go to hell just like everyone says, for the crime of being born, but at least between dying and more burning red, he’ll have a few moments of respite where he feels nothing. And when the last drop disappears down his parched throat, he prays that his eyes never have to open again, that he can finally fade away. He had been so grateful for the new opportunity, those first years here, but now he thinks a lifetime and a few more years is more than enough. ___ Or: 4 Times Heathcliff van Bretus gives up on life, and 2 times people convince him to try

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