Fics like Fourteen Pieces of Unsolicited Advice...And One Time Thorin Asked What He Should Do

“Well, if he does appear, I can think of a few better uses for him than burglar.” His tone held a hint of lavaciousness that caught my attention. I looked sharply at him. I knew exactly which direction Dwalin’s thoughts lay. Less than a third of all dwarfs were women, and physically, they could hardly be distinguished from dwarf men until their braes came off. Even in the presence of a dwarf woman, few dwarfs regardless of sex wanted the time and distraction of marriage. Dwarf society recognized no gender constraint archetypes to consider in the slaking of our physical needs. Dwalin continued with a blithe chuckle, interrupting my thoughts. “Best to make him earn his keep on his back. Instead of burglary, he can offer his services in the form of bugga—” “Enough!” I interrupted sharply, drawing myself up to my full height and laying a hand on the hilt of my sword. “Listen to me very carefully. No one touches the Hobbit.” I let my eyes harden. “Anyone who tries will answer to me.”

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