Fics like The Adventures of a Young Man of Pure Heart and Heroic Mien in the Forbidden Castle of Desire of the Dread Vampire and What Became of Him; or, a Cautionary Tale of the Evils of Coconut

The vampire glared at him. “No. Absolutely not. Out of the question. Go away.” “I-” “You’ve got blond hair, and blue eyes, and charming good looks, and you’re dressed in clothes that are frankly clinging in a manner that would put leeches to shame, and you have a sword. You show up on my doorstep at midnight in an unexpected storm. You’re a hero, and I’m opposed on principle to spending the next five hundred years or so in a coffin, they’re very uncomfortable and give me back pains, so kindly piss off.” And with that, he slammed the door in Simon’s face. Simon stood there for a second, completely bewildered but in a growing state of anger, which at least had the comfort of being familiar, before banging on the door again. “Hey!” “Scram,” the vampire said through the keyhole.

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